So, I did my 30 days of creative action, and then... I stopped. Yup, I completed my task, and failed to set a new one. It appears that my brain really needs structure to consistently get things done. Whether it's household chores, exercise or creative pursuits, I do far better when I've consciously wrapped my head around a clear set of parameters and goals. I'm not sure if other people's heads work this way, or if they just sort of do things effortlessly. Okay, I do things effortlessly. Things that have become deeply ingrained habits, like eating, sleeping, brushing and flossing, eliminating waste products, and criticizing myself. Oh, come on! At least I'm honest about being the harshest, meanest, most hateful critic of me that ever did exist. Most of the time, on the surface, I tell myself nice things, but deep down, I've got me some deep seated self-loathing going on. This is likely one of the primary reasons that I have to work so hard to be actively creative and it's certainly why I rarely feel very good about my creative accomplishments for very long.
Again, I don't know what's going on in the minds of others, but I would venture a guess that I'm not alone here. Creative expression, especially when presented to the world at large, carries with it a considerable amount of risk, particularly when that expression is a reflection of something very real in the person doing it. It takes a lot of courage and a strong sense of self to go into such a vulnerable place. The creative person needs a thick skin and to have that, they need to know that they matter and that their work has meaning. As Eric Maisel says in his book, Coaching the Artist Within, mattering is something a person has to decide to do and meaning is something that a person creates. I think it's very empowering to make mattering and meaning a choice. What it does, is take it out of fate, chance, destiny or the critique of others and puts it right into the hands of the artist. If the artist believes in herself and the work she does, she will do better work and she will feel better about it. I imagine that it will also feed her desire to create which will make the intensive self-discipline of consistent practice in and creation of her chosen arts much easier.
I often wonder why I don't have a disciplined creative practice. Part of it is not having had much stability in home, job, or schedule for the last 14 years. Part of it is never having embedded solid habits of regular creative work. Another part is lacking a primary focus in a particular art form, but I think the biggest reason that I don't have a disciplined creative practice is because I'm still not convinced that I matter and that my work has meaning or real significance. Sure, people may tell me otherwise, but I need to know, in my bones, in my cells, in my subconscious and conscious mind, in my spirit and my breath that I matter and that my work is meaningful. I've tried to pep talk myself into believing, but for some reason, there are strands of memory that are stuck to me, which keep me going back to some old and ridiculous story about how I failed, how I can't, how I never will, and how nothing I do is good enough. It's a big, heavy ball and chain of guilt, shame and general yuckiness that I just haven't figured out how to transcend. Yet, sometimes I wonder if that ball and chain is really something to be transcended or if, perhaps, I just have to lower my expectations. Maybe singing the odd song here and there is enough, maybe I put too much value on performing for the public (which I hardly ever do anymore) and not enough on simply doing things I love for the sake of doing them.
I've lost the drive and the dream I had as a young person and perhaps that's okay, because I'm not that person anymore. I am who I am, RIGHT NOW, a me with volumes more experience than that of my past self. Unfortunately, I can't seem to shake that disappointed youth of my past, so that I can fully BE in this moment. My old self is stubbornly clinging to me, refusing to let me decide, with full conviction, that I matter... NOW, and that whatever I chose to do creatively or otherwise has meaning... TO ME.
This is where I need to go deeper, into my subconscious mind and have a little tea party with my wailing, youthful self. This is where I must tell her that it's okay that she feels like a failure, that she feels under-supported, alone, confused and lame and then I must give her a big loving hug. I need to feed her some cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches and tea cakes and let her winge and whine for a bit, tears dripping into the Earl Grey. Then I will gently remind her that when she existed in real time, she did her very best and that she couldn't have done anything differently. Lastly, we'll go over all the awesome things we learned from the crap that made her feel so icky and talk about how we can do things from here on out, now that we know better. Then I'll leave my subconscious mind and forget all about it. I'll be back here in the waking world, all me and nothing but, right here and right now, reborn and ready to go. Hmmm.... maybe I should do that. I wonder if anything would come of it...
OR, I could just not worry about all of this stuff and do what I want, when I want, consistently or not, and above all CHOOSE to be content with every part of myself, including the failed youth, the dreamy child and the vastly confused adult. Perhaps the real trick is putting mattering and meaning aside, whist thinking less and doing more, without trying so hard.
